Feline Dysfunction
by The Pixess
Summary: Utter and complete fluff. Fiyero buys Galinda a present, and Elphaba has to deal with the consequences.[discontinued]
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Yet another fic inspired by Gabriel. Yet another fic I don't own.**

It looked appealing towards the eye, of course, but Elphaba could never trust Galinda when she was smiling. Not with her head tilted like that, and her eyes shining so bright. It was the same scheming gleam she had the night she had tried to "popularify" the green girl.

"_El-phieeee_," her roommate sang out.

"_Wh-aaaat_?" she gritted.

The blonde squirmed, holding a large pink garment bag towards her chest. "Fiyero got me a present," she declared, her voice somewhat wheedling.

"That's nice," Elphaba replied, and went back to her book.

"Guess what it is?"

Elphaba sighed inwardly; as always, it was plain as day that Galinda had no notion of when someone didn't wish to continue a conversation with her.

"I have no idea," she replied briskly, turning a page.

"Well, _duh_," the other girl giggled. "That's why you're supposed to _guess_!"

Elphaba made a mental note to check if you could admit someone into the school health clinic for lack of sarcasm receptors in the brain.

"Tell ya what," Galinda said, leaning in a bit, "I'll show you what it is if you _promise_ not to tell anyone."

"Alright," Elphie replied, trying to cover her impatience for the entire situation.

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Swear on your life?"

"Fine."

"Swear on _Nessa's_ life?"

"For Oz sake, Glinda!"

The blonde girl wrinkled her nose. "No need for profanity," she said stiffly, apparently referring to the mispronunciation if her name. Slowly, she reached into the bag and scooped out a little white thing, curled into her palm with pale blue eyes and a pink nose. It yawned, then blinked sleepily up at Elphaba.

Elphaba blinked right back at it. "A _kitten_?" she shrieked. "Galinda, you know we're not allowed to have pets in the dorm rooms! I'm getting Morrible!"

"You can't!" Galinda cried, grabbing her by the arm. "You swore on Nessa's life, remember!"

"That is low- and what do you think is going to happen, some hurricane comes and drops a doublewide on my sister because I told the headmistress you snuck a cat in here?"

"Stranger things have happened!"

"Like _what_, exactly?"

Galinda studied the floor, still cradling the kitten. "Like us becoming friends," she said softly.

Oh, Oz, she had to go there. Elphaba stood, seething, but knew there was no conceivable way she could turn her in with a comeback like that.

"Alright, fine," she replied stiffly, picking up her book once more.

Galinda let out a squeal and jumped on the bed, flinging her hands around the green girl. Due to the laws of gravity that had yet to be defied, the kitten slipped out of her grasp and _plopped_ daintily on Elphaba's calf, sinking its tiny claws into the emerald flesh for balance.

"OW!" Elphie yelled, swatting at it, "Galinda, you twit, get it off me!!"

"_Elphaba!_" the blonde reprimanded sharply. "There, there, Malky," she said soothingly, stroking the now quivering kitten, "She won't hurt you."

"Much," Elphie added under her breath.

"What is that matter with you?!" Galinda demanded angrily. "I thought you loved animals!"

"I love _Animals_," Elphaba corrected her.

"Dillamond ought to be pleased," Galinda muttered, earning herself a hard smack with the pillow. "I was just kidding!"

"I support _Animal Rights, _as any decent human should," was Elphaba's short reply.

"What is your damage, anyway?" demanded Galinda.

The green girl sighed. "When I was little, for some reason I got it into my head that I wanted a puppy- don't ask why, because I don't know; maybe companionship, or something." Galinda flinched a little on her friend's behalf, still unable to believe what a rough childhood she must have had. "So one day Nessa just out right asked for me, and Frex gave it to her, who in turn said it was mine."

"Um, okay," the blonde replied blankly. "And that was a problem, why?"

"Because it was supposed to be _Nessa's dog_," a vexed Elphaba elaborated. "And of course darling little _Nessarose_ can't do anything by herself. Oz knows she couldn't _walk _the dog, so he made me. She, apparently, was too dainty to _feed_ the dog, so I had to do it. Every little whim anyone could possibly give to a dog, I was instructed to do for the stupid yappy thing, which ate up so much time I hardly ever got to see the damn thing and by that time it had completely bonded with Rosie and paid me absolutely no attention whatsoever. Just like the rest of the world."

She glanced at her friend's quivering mouth as she finished the story and waved her off. "Oh don't look so scandalized," she said breezily. "The stupid thing died less than a year later anyway, Frex was the only one overly heart broken about it- apparently it was a very expensive show dog."

Galinda vaguely wondered if the premature death of the canine had anything to do with the fact that he had most likely never had a bath if Elphaba had been caring for him, then decided to let it go. "Oh, well then," she said awkwardly, "Perhaps you'll have a fresh start with cats!"

"Perhaps I won't," Elphaba remarked darkly.

The blonde smoothed her hair anxiously. "Perhaps we'll find out," she said lightly, "because I've got a lecture in five minutes."

"_What?_!" Elphaba cried.

"Oh, you'll be fine! Bye Malky!" She picked up her reticule and hurriedly darted out of the room.

Elphaba stared at the door for a moment, then switched her gaze onto the kitten, which was eyeing her with all the sweet angelic traits such a creature was naturally bestowed with. This could not end well.

**I have no idea where this is going, just so you know. Oh, well; reviews make me happy!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I have no idea why I started this story- probably I just wanted to procrastinate on all my other ones (hi, LostOzian). But oh well, you likey, so I continue! **

Elphaba stared, transfixed, at the thing as it rolled over onto its belly, furry mouth parting into an upside-down smile. It was so revoltingly cute Elphie had no choice but to inch farther away on the bed, eyeing the kitten like a time bomb.

Both locked eyes with each other; Malky, with friendly (and disgustingly adorable) curiousness, Elphaba with distain and a hint of fear. They stayed that way for the good part of an hour, mainly because Elphie was too anxious of the thing to pick up her novel again and Malky really didn't have anything better to do. The latter rolled over onto her stomach at one point and began stumbling in the green girl's direction, making her stiffen to stone. She changed her course, though, and eventually her tiny legs plopped from beneath her. She blinked at this, puzzled, then with the equivalent of a kitty shrug began to bat at the lace trim on the bedspread.

_Oh, Oz, _Elphaba thought wearily. She was going to kill Galinda for this, she really was. Or better yet, cut her legs off and stick her in a wheelchair- maybe then Boq would be more turned off by her and Nessa would quit whining about the stupid Munchkin.

She sighed forlornly as Malky mewed at her, eyes that still held the babyish hue of pale blue boring into her. It was plain as Biology homework (to Elphaba, anyway) that the cat wanted to play. Grudgingly, she slid off the bed and fished about the room for something to keep the feline occupied. What did cats like to do, anyway? Besides shred things- that, Elphaba most vehemently decided, would not be good.

Yarn- didn't kittens like yarn, or some other horrid cliché like that? Taking a meager ounce of vengeful pleasure in doing so, Elphaba hurried to the closet and began to unravel a fluffy pink scarf that she knew Galinda had worn exactly once, then declared it too itchy to flatter her. Intrigued, Malky tentatively jumped from the bed and wobbled over, her pink nose quivering with interest. Elphaba backed away, being sure to give the creature a wide birth before examining her work: the snowy beast sniffed at the material, gave it a little nudge with her paw, then slowly walked on top of it.

Elphaba wasn't exactly sure what this meant, but Malky looked content enough. She pressed her nose to it again, this time flipping over the side of the half-ruined scarf. She seemed to take proud delight in this, and began rolling on top of it, flopping the corners of the garment over her like a blanket.

The green girl rolled too- her eyes, and muttered "Thank Oz" as a knock came from the door. Galinda owed her big for this, that was for certain- her copy of _The Oziad_ was looking a bit worn, now that she thought of it, and she knew just the debutante debt card that could take care of such a necessity-

She blinked as opened the latch and saw who stood in the door way. "Fiyero?" she said blankly. "What in Oz are you doing here? Galinda's-"

"Yeah, I know," he said, looking vaguely uncomfortable for some reason- a reason which, she suspected, was not going to put her in a better mood. "She…wanted me to tell you….MissShenshen'sthrowingaslumberpartythere'snowayshecangetoutofitwithoutlookingsuspicious okay well bye-"

She caught him by the arm just as he turned to flee. "Oh, but my dear Master Fiyero, won't you stay for a moment? It would be rude to turn a guest away without at least offering you some refreshment." She smiled sweetly, which caught him off guard and made him stare dazedly for a moment before roughly grabbed him by the ear and threw him inside, slamming the door behind them as she did so.

"WHAT THE QUOX WERE YOU THINKING, BUYING HER A PET?!?!" Elphaba roared as the Prince ricocheted off the bed she had tossed him on and landed roughly on the floor. "YOU BRAINLESS FOOL COULDN'T YOU HAVE USED COMMON SENSE JUST ONCE NOW I'M STUCK WITH THIS MONSTER FOR THE NIGHT I COULD SKIN YOU ALIVE!"

Fiyero rubbed his neck. "Ow," he grumbled. "And what do you mean, _monster_? It's a freaking kitten!"

"Yes, a kitten," Elphaba replied impatiently. "A creature related to lions, tigers, and-oh my!- every single _other_ ferocious, killer-instinct ridden feline in existence."

Fiyero blinked. "It's…a…_kitten_…" he repeated, drawing out each of the words for a beat longer than necessary.

Elphaba shook her head. "We've established that already; honestly, I know you're supposed to be brainless but can't you at least retain information for at least a good five minutes?"

Fiyero massaged his temples. "The thing is only like two months old. It's in no way even close to the lethalness of a lion. There isn't a malicious bone in the thing's body."

She glared at him. "Really?" Elphaba challenged. "Then what do you call _that_?"

The slender green finger she pointed indicated the white animal as it enthusiastically sharpened its claws on the poofy fabric.

"Um, needling?" he supplied, raising an eyebrow at her.

Elphaba shook her head again, muttering something about killer instinct.

"Oh my Oz, you're serious about this," Fiyero said, laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. "Elphie-"

"Don't call me that," she cut in hastily.

"-the poor thing is more scared of you than you are of it-"

"I'm not _scared_ of the stupid creature, I-"

"Look, I'll prove it." He stood up, marched over to where the cat crouched, and stomped his foot, shouting, "BOO!"

Malky's eyes grew to saucers in a split instant, then she darted under Galinda's bed, dodging Oz knew how many discarded beauty products that lay beneath there.

Elphaba took in the situation and mentally consulted the best course of action. This, naturally, was decided to be smacking her male companion upside the head and yelling, "YOU BLASTED FOOL NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

"Yikes!" he whimpered, nursing his injured head. "Oz, you have some kind of pipes on you, you know that? Turn it down before someone hears!"

"I shall speak," she returned coolly, "at as low or high a decibel as I please. And what did you have to go and startle to poor thing for?"

"'Poor-?' Elphaba, you don't even like it!"

"That's no reason to be cruel," she chided. "And it's _Miss_ Elphaba, if you please."

"And if I don't please?"

"I smack you again."

"Duly noted," he replied, kneeling to the floor and sticking his head under the bed frame.

"What are you doing?" Elphaba asked testily.

"Trying to coax the blasted thing out, obviously," he replied hotly, beginning to tire of the green girl's attitude.

"Why should it come out? You just frightened it half to death!"

"Well _you _try calling her, if you're so brilliant!"

"I'll muss my skirts if I bend down like that," Elphaba replied primly, secretly just not wanting to be so near the ignoramus.

"I'm sorry, did you have your carriage break down today?" he asked crossly.

Elphaba raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Because it sounds like your being repossessed by Galinda- now get _down_ here!" On the word "_down_"he clutched her hand and pulled her to the ground.

"You really are a brute, you know that?"

"In fact it's my specialty, thank you."

And so began what would soon become a long, spastic afternoon.

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**Hope this isn't too OOC- kinda feels that way. At any rate, review!**


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